Here with Me
by oaksoup
Summary: In which Amazawa Keisuke can't cope with his grief. Follows the ending of Hacker's Memory, and has spoilers for both CS games. Onesided Amazawa Keisuke/Mishima Erika, Nogi Yuu/Amazawa Keisuke, starring all Hudie members. Tagging Aiba Takumi as he's important, too (and the HM characters still don't have tags - I forgot to tag Takumi!)


Grief was such a strange concept.

Some people would say that you need to suffer for a while, that you have to assimilate the loss and advance small steps, as small as you could manage, from being completely unable to act without sadness until you can recover. Recover not being the correct word of course, the actual recover was something much more complicated than that. It meant not forgetting, not deleting the beloved icon from your life and heart, but learning to accept they would not be there with you anymore, and moving forward anyways.

Keisuke wanted to grieve in peace, he really did. But if he did no one would understand why he was doing it.

After all, Erika didn't exist anymore.

His Digimon were with her, far away from his sight. Wormmon was with her, being her new body and guide in the Digital World.

And he was there, alone in a sea of people he supposedly knew.

Until he noticed that he didn't know them, the time reset had been that harsh.

Erika was right, life was unfair, and he had to pay the price.

-o-

-o-

The first day was horrendous. But it wasn't as bad as he expected. He had been hopeful on being able to move on, as he was the last person to see Erika depart, and not seeing her typing on Memetan or bantering with Wormmon on her small room would be just…

…

… He could understand the peppy atmosphere that day, it almost reached him after all. Having Yu in Hudie (in Hudie, being friends with him _that was not him after all!)_ was a nice surprise that left him ecstatic. Seeing Ryuji and Chitose with relaxed postures, smiles from ear to ear and faces not covered in dirt, tears, and that hospital septic odor that tended to stick every time they – and himself included, visited the place was a relief that made the pain on his soul calm a bit.

But Erika wasn't there. Her room was not the same.

And no one remembered but him.

-o-

-o-

He could not talk with anyone about Eater EDEN, the Digital World, nor even explain his friends what EDEN was. Ryuji and Chitose had recently gotten a job in Kamishiro Enterprises as programmers, and he was sure as hell that EDEN was just in half completion, or something like it, considering what the Digital Booth outside the Ikebukuro Theatre said about it. And contrary to what whatever could say about grief, the pain only got stronger.

The happy days in Hudie didn't help, since he could see Ryuji drinking overly sugary coffee even when it was known he disliked all sweet things. Keisuke sometimes could also watch Ryuji opening the storage – never again _her room_ anymore – to then close the door, confused, as if he was looking for something.

If his leader – always the leader, as he never was, at least here in this timeline – did notice him or his sudden tears after opening the storage, he didn't say anything. He was glad for that.

Sometimes, Chitose would be the one who would look lost over old habits his body could not forget, as he sometimes, while working or eating or just being together, mentioned a princess while talking about his unsuccessful flings. Yu would sometimes laugh at him, mostly when he started with the princess thing, because the blond would look at him seriously, to then scratch his hair with a bit more strength than usual, apologizing.

"What do you apologize for?" – Yu would say, as he had said every time he saw Chitose like that, the confused glaze over his eyes actually confusing him.

"No… I feel that it was something I couldn't say"

"But you don't call your women princesses or something? I thought you would, as you like to catch them with sweet words and it… would fit?"

And Chitose would say no more, negating with his head and looking at his leader, who only half of the times would understand.

No one noticed the youngest Hudie member sudden silence over those get together, as all of them had demons to control even if they didn't know it. But every time it happened, every bit of food, every chug of coffee… and every time he swallowed his tears…

… They tasted more and more like ash.

-o-

-o-

By the first week Keisuke stopped eating as much as he used to.

-o-

-o-

School was impossible.

Keisuke had not been called a hacker anymore, which was always a good point. His best friend was there with him too, dearest Yu with his pastel clothing and his clear gentle eyes directed at him as always – no, not always, he could still remember the fear he had felt when his eyes weren't gentle, and his clothes clad in black and red. But that didn't happen in that reality, and so Yu maintained himself as a calm guy who blushed easily at whatever the _overly forgettable guy_ directed to him, and had a streak for mischievousness when Hudie was in action. Yu had maintained his careful demeanor with people, especially around those certain dudes he was sure they were the ones who had bullied the lilac haired guy when younger, but had gotten more caring of his health and studies suddenly, not just because he had developed black bags to rival with a panda, but because he had felt –in his own words – he had to actually help him instead letting him do most of the work, so they could feel more like equals.

That newfound honesty relieved Keisuke, but it was tiring to see him all the time asking if he had slept, there was no way he could explain him why he hadn't.

School maintained itself inflexible though, and required him subjects that he hadn't seen before. That timeline said he never skipped school to become a full time Digimon Hacker/Tamer, but that he managed both at least decently.

It baffled Keisuke, to say the least, how the _he_ of that world could maintain over fifties in all his subjects while now he felt like flunking every single exam.

He felt even slower than what he was always accused of being.

Sitting on his class seat and scribbling on his notebook, with no word of the teachers entering on his brain, he could only look at the fluorescent lights and repeat in his mind all what he saw on his dearest friend memory bubble, visualizing the cerulean blue of her memories, and reviving the words...

… Once and twice and thrice a day and day after day…

-o-

-o-

Sometime later – he couldn't think on how many days after _the incident_ had passed until that day, Arata Sanada, the Legendary Hacker, visited their cybercafé. He was not a Legend in that timeline though, but a dear friend of the Leader and Vice-leader who had resigned from his Leader throne when in Jude to follow his friends, whoever they were.

In fact, who were his friends? Keisuke pondered while looking at Arata and the rest of Hudie chatter excitedly on one of the coffee tables. Was one of them the overly excited girl dressed on those terribly sewn drapes that somehow together made a dress and could control a Royal Knight like it was an amusing pet? Was one of them the Gluttony Demon – sorry Beelzemon - with the looks of a meek girl who yearned for friendship like she yearned for the 20kg omurice on that certain restaurant? Or maybe that guy…

Keisuke couldn't listen to all of what his friends were talking about, his head felt like lead every time he could concentrate on more than three sentences in a row. It had to be the lack of sleep, it had to be the fact that he hadn't eaten his usual eggs plus bread at breakfast since who knows when, not that his family had noticed the fact, too. Only bitter, bitter coffee waited for him, it was the only thing he could stomach.

Last thing he could listen was Arata, who had a smile bigger and genuine, much better looking than all the cynical or self-harming ones he sported while in EDEN or outside, announcing the guys that his dearest friend had woken up from his coma. And something else was mentioned too, but he was on a state where his tiredness presented itself as dancing white spots on his eyes, that had gotten bigger and bigger as his friends spoke.

Tiredness of what though? Of trying to live as normal even though it wasn't his life? Or of the memory of the only girl he had loved and her last words?

He didn't know…

 _What were her last words…?_

-o-

-o-

Keisuke slept, head on the table, hands on his splashed coffee, which dripped in cascades to the floor.

He smiled a small smile, imagining a beautiful white and blue butterfly on his dreams.

No one else smiled that day.

-o-

-o-

"K.. ei… e"

"…ke… up"

"…ber… our p…ise…"

"Keisuke!"

-o-

-o-

When he woke up, he was in bed, clipped into machines on what it looked like a small private hospital room. The very thought of it, him being the one in a hospital bed this time, sent him into a sad chuckle that made him cough, a terrible cough that shackled his throat as if had been washed with salt and lemon.

In that very moment a nurse entered his room. "Amazawa-san, are you feeling alright?"

He wasn't, but he was sure she knew. So he only tilted his head, with no verbal response. So she continued the one-sided conversation.

"You are here because you fainted while with your friends. You have a slight dehydration plus some ulcers on your stomach, which surely could explain your mid weight loss, too, but I'm not here to ask for explanations to why you did that, that's for the doctor ears to know" – She said, looking at his eyes like whatever he could say didn't matter, as she already knew the reasons of why he decided to live on coffee and the bitter grief all that time – "We will have to do some exams to see if the ulcers are caused by bacteria or some other reason, but for the time being you will take this painkillers and stay in bed at least for this night"

Keisuke looked to the window at his side, it was evening already. He had slept for more than six hours. He sighed.

"You've got visit, want me to make them come?" – The nurse asked, after fixing the IV cable on his left arm and checking him for fever. He looked at her, to then nod once.

He couldn't hide for long, but damn if he would try.

-o-

-o-

They entered one by one.

-o-

-o-

"…Why didn't you tell us?"

"Tell you what?" – He asked, unable to look at his best friend's eyes.

"What!?" – Yu asked sardonically, to then grab his free, unconnected hand, in the verge of tears – "T-that you were feeling this sick! The doctors told us that it was stress, but for it to the point of not eating!?

"I- I just couldn't… didn't want to worry you?"

"And here we are, we almost died of a stroke when we saw you slamming your head on the table! What part of all of that wouldn't had worried us?"

"…" – He had nothing left to say against that, Keisuke wouldn't had known his sleepy streak would be actually him fainting for not having decent meals since who knows where.

"I called your mom"

"What!?"

"She will come to get you tomorrow, I know she works late and I had to reassure her you were feeling better but I felt bad at lying to her that much, we both know you have been not ok since the last month!"

"Oh…" – Keisuke said, in more of a sigh than an actual word. He didn't believe his mom would care much, as at least that last time she didn't say anything about how he dropped school for hacker jobs – she had to know it, as how he had preferred the Hudie jacket over every one of his other shirts anyways, but he had no way to know how she would react on this world – "I hope she doesn't get angry at me…"

"If she does she will be less angered than me, believe it" – Yu said, as firmly as the grip on his hand. – "Now, are you going to tell me what happens? Or…"

"Sorry Yu, I can't"

"… why? Is it that serious?" – Yu's eyes acquired a worried glaze.

"… I'm not prepared" – And he was sure the glaze was due his own glossy eyes, while remembering his enormous fear on K's room and how could even he begin to explain the crazy scene to his friend, as it looked more and more like a crazy fever nightmare, unexplainable and impossible.

"… S' okay if you don't wanna say more, Kei-chan, whatever happened must be really serious but…"

Yu here took his hand near his face, using it to remove the recently fallen tears off.

"Please… understand that I wanna be here for you Kei-chan…" – He said, kissing the palm of his hand and being brave enough to not become red over his sudden action. "I'll be here for you…"

That could only sadden more the sick boy, who already knew of his feelings, who due to all of what had happened was unable to think on his friends without thinking on the obsession K had presented, and how he kind of lied while he said he accepted the other world Yu's apologies. God, he must look like the worst kind of bastard right now, especially to Yu and Erika, who would've called him an idiot since the very start.

While Keisuke was lost in his thoughts, Yu got off the visitors seat, as it was time for the next visit to come.

"… I just want to see you… want you to depend on me a bit more…" – Yu said, gripping with more force than needed the doorknob, tears falling into the ground as he went away.

And his best friend – or maybe not that good friend after all - felt his face bleaching, remembering how K came into being. How while he tried to protect the person who he loved that much he was only damaging him – again.

He could only cover his eyes until the next person entered his small room.

-o-

-o-

"Keisuke, you ok!?"

"S-omething like it…" – He shrugged as well as he could, now leaning on his bedside.

"No, don't lie to me man, I've seen you suffer all this days but I had no way to know why or what had made you like that…"

"…"

"I couldn't ask what had happened to you too, guess I was a bit scared for some reason" – Chitose scratched his cheek, on a way that made the blackhaired guy think more on his own quirks than his. Chitose must have been really worried to start imitating him.

"Sorry Chitose-san… I didn't want to worry you… I wasn't prepared to tell you all…" And it was true really. He wasn't prepared to talk about something that could change their lives. It was a weight that should burden only him, as he promised.

 _What were her last words…?_

Chitose moved uncomfortably on the seat.

"Grr, if I were more familiar with you I'd have screamed to the moon and back about all of this 'not worrying us' but I' sure Yu-chan said all what you needed to know already. It's just… remember that we are your friend too, Kei-chan, we aren't just colleagues or whatever, we are a team."

"…"

"Sigh… I'll call for Ryuji to enter alright? Just think it out a bit more"

But he had done that, and it had led it out _here_. Why he should think anymore?

-o-

-o-

"… It has to do with the backroom right?"

"… yeah"

The conversation with Ryuji was real short and both preferred it that way, because he knew Ryuji _knew_ , even if subconsciously. And if he wasn't prepared, Hudie's leader was even less prepared to know about his dead sister again.

So he left, and Keisuke let him without more words.

But when he was out immediately another person entered his room

It was a stranger with some googles and a cheeky smile.

-o-

-o-

"I'm Takumi Aiba, friend to Arata and company and now to you. Nice to meet you" – The red-haired unknown shook happily his hand while sitting up in the visitors seat – "Well, maybe Arata's boyfriend is more accurate, but s' not that it matters right now. Arata called me as he believed maybe someone who was in a situation more akin to yours was needed"

"And what makes you think your situation is more like mine?"

"Well, it's not just the fact that we know about EDEN and the Digimon, but because we know of things that anyone else know. Like Mirei for example, and the blue butterfly"

"… what!?"

The surprise that small sentence had caused him made Keisuke remember where he had seen the boy. He was the Sleuth working under that strange Detective, who could defeat a bunch of dangerous hackers with little to no help. The Cyber Sleuth people called him, yes, and he knew about Erika!

"You know, it will sound ridiculous to understand, but until a while ago my body was half digital half real. My EDEN data could transport itself to the real world and back thanks to a bug triggered by an Eater, while my body slept peacefully with what we call EDEN Syndrome." – That brought back the sick boy's attention, as the surprise was falling off his eyes in the form of tears. There was someone who remembered, who lived thru the agony of being virtual and not at the same time, even though he had only been digital a small amount of time, while trying to save UltraforceVeedramon – "On our last mission I gambled more than what I should and lost myself. Entirely, my body got destroyed and my self disappeared. I was in worse state than a uh… In-Training Digimon? I couldn't even talk, as a fact"

That sounded strange, as he was standing in front to him anyways. So he just tilted his head, hinting the happy sleuth to keep talking.

"Well… a good friend of mine helped me to reunite all fragments of myself so I could come back. Someone who was a human, but was also a Digimon all the time"

"What…?" – Keisuke was without words, it was a situation very alike his own alright, but also very different, too. "You mean, there was another Digimon/Human than Miss Kishibe? I'm not even sure if she was one…"

"Kishibe-san was possessed by a Digimon alright, as were some other humans too. I still don't understand well the process, but it is what it is" – He said, while fixing his black and yellow gloves. Finishing that small task, he looked at him in the eyes. The look was completely honest, devoid of lies. "Now, what I came here for."

"There's something that happens in the Digital World, you see, its very peculiar thing. One year there is seven days here. And I spent that quantity of days here fragmented in that world, lost without being able to do more than sleep and look for small seconds to then sleep again. But I remember all. I remember seeing a Butterfly, an amalgamation of girl and Digimon, flying thru the forest and helping Alphamon with the pieces of me."

"She said that she was happy to help in whatever to recover the world, as she could act as a Team Leader like the ones in the Real World. That even if she wasn't with her loved ones, she would mourn and remember them doing what they would do in her place, help those in need. And boy I needed help, really, If not I would be lost forever there, unable to do anything."

By now the tears on Keisuke's eyes were more like cascades, wetting his sheets and the hospital clothes, as he could imagine her being happy to just do something without feeling the enormous pressure of her illness, nor the guilt for his brother and friends.

"Arata told me that I was better for talking to you since he didn't really know the girl much, but I was the last one to see her. And that you were probably mourning her, as she seemed real close to you. So here I can tell you to not worry, you can always talk with me if you need something to start closing the wound, if you aren't prepared to tell the others about her. Even Arata could talk with you if you want, too, we can do something about it."

"Y-you sure of that? I-I don't want to bother you…"

Takumi took his hand, an action pretty much alike to Yu's – "You are clearly suffering, dude, but you aren't alone. You shouldn't bear that weight all yourself. What happened isn't your fault, it was a decision no one of us could've controlled. She did what was best for the world and her, and we did what we could, too. That's what defines us Hackers, right…? To act as we want, and do what we can." – He then chucked a bit, a bit self-deprecating – "Well I was ever a hacker, I always needed help from my Digimon and used only the basics to act…"

And to the both surprise, Keisuke laughed a bit, too. "Me too, I'm a real bad hacker, more now that my friends aren't here…"

"Yeah… I miss them, my dearest friends"

"I miss them too… I miss Erika… so much…"

And the dam broke like pulverized via earthquake, Keisuke half got up from bed as best as he could to press his head against the other guy's chest, seeping the black shirt in warm tears. And he accepted the gesture as gently as he could, in a gesture that could make her dearest Kyoko proud. If he teared a bit too, no one would say.

-o-

-o-

Three days later, after a scolding from his mom and two days in bed, Hudie called again to his PC to see if he was alright. So he went to Ikebukuro again, as a surprise for his friends, when they saw him accompanied by Arata Sanada, Nokia Shiramine, Yuugo and Yuuko Kamishiro (their bosses, in a way!) and the Cyber Sleuth, Takumi Aiba.

And so, all sitting in the coffee table, Keisuke's left hand pressed firmly with Aiba's one, and the right one as firmly grabbed as the left but by Yu, he started the story that would free him from his weight, and also fulfilling his promise with Erika- no, with Hudiemon, in a way.

"All started with my avatar being stolen…"

"Avatar? Like from Ragnarok Online or?"

"Nah, from EDEN. You see, EDEN was…"

-o-

-o-

"… _**I hope my friends listened that I love them…"**_

* * *

 _ **And that was all! I hope you liked this invention of mine, one that was splurged just in some hours after I finished the game! I was real excited over what was gonna happen, but I was left alone, sad and longing over Erika and the future of the MC, who would also had the burden over the Digiworld existence, plus the fact not eve Ryuji was able to remember the sis he loved so much! Why!? i know it has to do with his pain but maaaaaan.**_

 _ **Well, that's all. This is my love letter to this game. Its unbeta-ed, and whatever fault you find, or you wanna chat with me 'bout this game, I'm all eyes and ears.**_


End file.
